Being at home is just about being with Damian. Trying to be a father for him. A mother is irreplaceable, but a loving father has it's own power stream of love. The duel process was devastating at home. Being away made it easier to postpone the pain. At home there was no excuse, I saw my wife in every details of our common space, in Damian's gestures, and even in my own expressions of caring love. Somehow, I felt her still being in the house, which made it more difficult to process her departure. Soon and unexpectedly, her ghost started to talk to me. Strange ghost. Looked like my wife but it wasn't totally her. This ghost hated me completely, had no memory of our togetherness and companionship. This ghost was angry, reclaiming my tardiness and over-promising tendencies. A poltergeist with beautiful factions, instigating intermittently love and hate among us.
I lost my wife, and now it seems a ghost has taken her place. My lesson learned is simple. I need to find myself, clear my mind towards what I do and say and want. I realize this ghost is partly a reflection of what I'm feeling and doing with my life.
Someday, I'll make peace with this ghost and with my life, and hopefully find the love of my life from within me.
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