The Living-Ghost Story

I was in a trip while it happened. I received the call. She was already dead. We kissed and hugged at the airport not knowing it was our last breath of togetherness. We had been playing to say good-bye since the very first moment we embraced each other with words, eyes and hands. We did also play to come back stronger inside-out each time. I'm just listening to myself listening the voice on the phone trying to tell me that it's over, the voice just can't pronounce the words. I spell out the word. Dead. Yes, dead. I assumed my personal role in this event was to play the family hero. So my voice sounded quite calmed, almost as an obsessive pathologist talking to a recorder during an autopsy. My life ended that day. My wife and motherof my child died. I felt a huge fire inside me, but didn't put it in my words nor my tone. I wanted to interrupt my trip, fly to her, tell her how many actions started to make sense and that she was part of this sense-making. I had a sudden seizure of practical decision making, very rare in my family issues. Since death had occured, my presence was not needed. But, my son, my son, Damian. I couldn't stop thinking about my fatherhood and the inner-strenght our mutual bond can infuse to my child, and to me. I flew to Damain, my home.


Being at home is just about being with Damian. Trying to be a father for him. A mother is irreplaceable, but a loving father has it's own power stream of love. The duel process was devastating at home. Being away made it easier to postpone the pain. At home there was no excuse, I saw my wife in every details of our common space, in Damian's gestures, and even in my own expressions of caring love. Somehow, I felt her still being in the house, which made it more difficult to process her departure. Soon and unexpectedly, her ghost started to talk to me. Strange ghost. Looked like my wife but it wasn't totally her. This ghost hated me completely, had no memory of our togetherness and companionship. This ghost was angry, reclaiming my tardiness and over-promising tendencies. A poltergeist with beautiful factions, instigating intermittently love and hate among us.

I lost my wife, and now it seems a ghost has taken her place. My lesson learned is simple. I need to find myself, clear my mind towards what I do and say and want. I realize this ghost is partly a reflection of what I'm feeling and doing with my life.

Someday, I'll make peace with this ghost and with my life, and hopefully find the love of my life from within me.

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